I am a sad and insomniac Shinju...
Monday, February 3, 2003(05:21 a.m.)
n_n; 4:04am.... I know my computer's clock was set to maybe a couple of dozens of minutes ahead....but it's still striking me as late(early).
So what am I doing at this silly ungodly hour? I'm......................mumbling about how I'm gonna go to EB tomorrow and getting me another copy of GS3 even if it should really not be added in my pile of debt.... but I don't wanna end up in the same situation as a few years down when GS2 disappeared off the shelves of every video game shops I knew. ;_; The collector in me refuses to be stuck in that situation.
Also.....I'm thinking how my teeth on the right are being strangely sensitive. Third day of brushing my teeth with them feeling like I'm killing them. Same goes for my gums on that side.... I think I might need to go see the dentist, but I haven't the slightest clue what that'd do....probably not much. n_n; But what does one do for sensitive teeths? *pretty sure it isn't because of the old old fillings*
.....Back to Suikoden.... (Just because it's my favorite subject *nods*) ......I made some progress with writing up parts of Thomas' chapters for the gs3rpg... in other words, I wrote summaries for the chapters I know I'll write. n.n; Do I want NPCs? I....think maybe one that'll accompany Thomas for a while and......that'd be it. I'm hoping I don't end up saying "and then 15 years later, Koh (from Banner Village) was found in Vinay Del Zexay, accompanying Thomas to Budehuc castle" as fun as it'd be, because Koh's gonna remain in Dunan and that's where I want him to remain. *nods*
Still in the line of the rpg, I'm thinking to getting maybe some form of paid webspace for it..... because I'm tired of logging into geoshitties and uploading from there. And from webspace, I go on to talk about FR, FS and HS.......because they're important projects to me and yet I'm not doing anything w/ them... I'm.... I should get back to that habit of doing one page of html per night, but the pages I was doing were picked left and right randomly depending on my mood... not one such section up and ready... and talking of sections, I'm wondering what to do with the sweet lil nothings of FS because they're kinda.....uh.......rated more than PG-13 for a few, I think...
So... right....now to linkage to the webhosting spaces I found/was recommanded..
Lonex - for .95/month + .99/year for a domain... not too bad.
Hostradius - Currently not available... =/ bummer.
Webmaster.com - .99/month + /year for a domain.... I'm pretty sure I didn't make a mistake when I typed in the url for phphosting.....or is it webhosting? *types again*
phpwebhosting.com - well..... ok, I typed it wrong... so...99/month (or .18/month for a full year) + /year for a domain...
Linux Motor - /year to /year (depending on the plan we'd take) and I think /year for the domain....
....I forget that one webhost of Maiko-dono's... *sweats* That one /would/ be ideal for hosting HS and FR......because I know those two'd have visual R rated content.... *looks at Chou ¬.¬* ...but troubled is me..... n.n; all those prices JUST have to be in US dollar, doesn't it? *grr* At least our money's starting to pick up a bit, but I'm still miffed. .....I still want Via Astrarum as domain name, silly as it is...
...Gee, what a thing to be doing past Chinese New Year...... being up and looking for webspace... which now reminds me that the whole Columbia space shuttle thing ruined the first day of the year of the sheep...... _-_ What a thing to wake up to first thing in the morning... hearing the TV spouting out stuff about a space shuttle going up in flames and debris.... Silly, but I'm glad I'm not in TX or in the US at all right now.
In older news.... I went bonkers trying to install a new cdrw into Gremio's frame. First attempt made my harddrive disappear from the bios so I had to uninstall the cdrw and make sure my HDD was still in existance and then try a second time to install it with an alternative solution... worked fine the second time around..I'm glad for that. *got worried for his saved data for school, sites, etc* Least now I can do backup of my own computer's content w/o having to go through a middle man. Happiness.
......I'm not really tired, but I think I'll go thud anyway because I need to. *nods* Good idea.
Lalalala
Friday, November 8, 2002(05:41 a.m.)
Hm... I just thought about it now, but Meia-san's blog has my blog listed on it......oh well....... Coming next is a nanowrimo entry thing because I suck that I can't write long windedly on anything else than a blog or on email or whatever..... Don't read if you're thinking you're weak of heart.....if you read, I don't hold myself responsible. There's mention of rape, yes.....yes, most definitely.
-Shinju
----
Chapter 1 - Imaginary friends, depressing thoughts and imagination.
Imaginary friends are such a ridiculous thing to have at the age of 20, yet, it seems some still cannot do without one. But the more ridiculous thing in having an imaginary friend is when you start thinking of your life and of "I wish"s..... Thoughts that go such as "I'm worthless. What am I doing here, alive and consuming food and air and water that other individuals would make better use of? Why am I such a coward that I don't dare actively hurting my flesh or taking my life?" accompanied with thoughts of "I wish someone would put me out of my misery... I wish my friends could help me out... I wish I could change and be less of a coward so that I could either plunge to my death or become a better person. ........I wish Gremio (random name put here, really!) would inflict pain on me since I'm such a coward that I can't do it myself."
From there, ridiculous imaginary friends turn to worrisome....... even scary. Especially when you start thinking that last "I wish...", because then you imagine yourself, faced with that friend -- who is usually so protective of you, who is usually so gentle and who usually would do smile at you and tell you everything will be fine -- faced with cold eyes of he/she/it who you mentally created to be your friend... faced with disgust and hatred and disdain that you could only find in your innermost thoughts. The cruelest face you can ever imagine being shown by anyone you care about.
Scarier yet is when you start following that last line of thought... "I wish someone would beat me up and put me out of my misery"... That imaginary friend of yours become a manifestation of those thoughts. He (for the sake of simplifying things) grabs you violently by the hair, the neck, the arm.....anything that is painful, really, and forces you up despite yourself, silently looks at you for a very long time and speaks after a very long and uncomfortable silence. Spats (or is it spits?) insults after insults....
"You're worthless. You don't deserve to life. Why are you wasting everyone's time? Why do you try to be noticed? Stop trying so hard for something you know'll result in nothing. Stop trying to get our attention. Go away. Disappear. You're trash. Fuck you. You should die. Why won't you apologize, you sorry excuse for a human? I don't want to be your fucking friend. I hate you. I loathe you. I despise you. You're scum. You suck. Your life is nothing but bullshit. You're wasting precious air. You take too much space. You're ugly. You're annoying. Go the fucking hell away from me. Go to hell. Jump over a bridge so we won't have to suffer your presence anymore. Stop trying to culpabilize everyone for the errors you've made yourself. Die damn you!"
And then... simultaneously, you receive blow after blow. A kick in the midsection, an uppercut on your jaw, a shoulder-dislocating pull, a foot stomping you on the leg, a knee hitting you on your back, a shove down the floor, numerous furious punches to your face, your ribs, your body, a cruel and very strong hand gripping your throat, making you suffocate and see white on the edge of your vision and making you want to take a breath that you're just trying to get, even as you accept and believe you deserve such cruel treatment.
....The pit of things is probably this..... imagining yourself in such a dire, yet well-deserved situation, your imaginary friend turned into what you expect of humanity to become when faced with you... your imaginary friend saying what you expect of humanity to say to you, to accuse you of every possible crime that you've performed, consciously or unconsciously.... when you suddenly wonder, since you probably deserve it, what it would be like to be raped by said imaginary friend. "What if I deserved more than just a beating... what if I deserved to be raped?" Your mental eyes widen at the thought that you could even think of such a thing...and yet, your imagination follows that train of thought.
Suddenly, he looks cruelly at you, then the most horrifying of smirks appears on the lips of that friend before disappearing behind disgust. Clothes are ripped as you struggle to avoid what you have imagined yourself to happen in your "what if", you beg him to stop it, to leave you alone and even retaliate, but there's no damage.... After all, he is nothing but a figment of your imagination. You imagine yourself feeling the fear, the terror, the most horrifying of emotions passing through your heart as you suddenly find yourself naked, your body bare in an imaginary space. You're still being beaten as he proceeds to violate your body and you are in such pain that you should logically not be able to struggle that much, but it IS still technically a mindscape. Whatever you imagine happens.... though, at the most crucial moment, you turn cowardly once more.
Freeze.
Those eyes, still full of disgust, are not so cruel now. They glare at you for having made them be what they are not, what they should not be. He grabs a handful of your hair and shoves you a last time toward the ground, noiseless, voiceless voice resounding through your head. "You coward..... can't even think of being raped, can you?" You realize that you still have a sense of preservation....... you probably realized long ago that you did not want to hurt yourself because of that very sense of preservation. But instead of being glad of still possessing such sense of preservation, you feel disgust again and curl onto yourself, tatters of your mental scape clothes hanging onto your flesh....
Freeze again. Rewind.
At that crucial moment, you probably wanted to be elsewhere entirely......You probably thought. "NO!" and froze time and replaced yourself with some other character, pulling yourself to a safe mental distance to observe what would happen to the other character instead......... Suddenly, you imagine this, he, physically abusing he/she/it who replaced you. He desiring to sexually abuse whoever's in your place now. The overall picture isn't so horrible now......and you resume time as you watch that new character receiving what you should receive... but you feel detached from it. So you care very little..... Perhaps you'll even suddenly think "I can use this for a fic... It's writing material, even if it's totally lamerz. ...why am I thinking in l33t and aolz?" A passing, momentary snicker escapes your nose and you resume observing, mentally taking notes down on ideas and facts that you think may be relevant for what you suddenly plan...
Your imaginary friend, after everything is done, goes back to normal and to being who you initially conceptualized him to be. ....imagination bites when things go back to how they were.....unsoiled and untainted......Ah, but your character isn't that anymore! ....Ignore ignore. He's imaginary. He can't be tainted.....
(TBC)
Nanowrimo novel thing - entry 1
Friday, November 1, 2002(07:49 a.m.)
Days of Our Lives My Life
...was the sudden inspiration I caught exactly two minutes after having gotten up from bed this morning. Oh, not to say I was really in bed, since I love the couch much more than it (My bed's a mess. I'm not touching that thing when there's so many paperwork and school printouts on it.) nor to say I was awake in bed and pondering on such a stupid thing as a novel's working title... nope, I was pretty much darn right asleep until just ten minutes ago, when the old man woke me up with threats of late arrival to school. Ah.. school, this marvelous invention which forces me to be awake at such ridiculous hours in the morning and leaves me yawning and rubbing my eyes and falling asleep in class (and everywhere else!) all day long. However, I have yet to find a single person that really and honestly loves school enough to wake up without people telling him/her to wake It's fairly difficult.
So, yes, before you interrupt me with dumb questions, this is probably, most likely, the preface of this whole crap I'll be writing for a month. They of Nanowrimo don't seem to care too much as long as it's a novel in the end, right? But I'll be attempting a lot of 1st pov storytelling. I know one person won't be discussed with it and I find the thought of it reassuring.
So yes, I present to you "Days of My Life", with a dash of Chou at storyboard (oh, she's more dangerous than my old man about stuff. You know you gotta obey when she tells you something... why yes, I learned that on my own after numerous failed 'lessons') and a spice of randomness. So, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy and I'll see everyone's comments come the end of November.
*sighsighs*
Sunday, October 20, 2002(01:41 a.m.)
After having given up on finding the stupid box (I did end up walking outside of the house in T and shorts while it was raining hard) I went to sleep (on the floor. Too angry to sleep on the bed or the couch or any soft surfaces) at almost 6 and woke at about 8:30... Was late for Japanese class (I just folded to the general household opinion that I needed to go.. I'm already more knowledgeful than my classmates... should be in advanced class, but just don't know all of the elementary kanji and a few grammatical rules), but caught up easily. Afterwards, got a ride to work but got there five mins late considering I was talking to Odashima-sensei about stuff such as International Postal Money Order sent to Japan... I'm an idiot in the fact that it's been the third time I sent (or tried to. Much more accurate) to send IPMOs there.. third time it came back with letter saying I got the address wrong............... .....I'm not supposed to add that zip-codish string of number or what?
Anyhow... I've felt tired all day. Can't really say I'm okay, but can't say I'm not okay. I just am... and after work, was dragged to an "Ode to Bishounen" anime showing (hmm.. nice Kaworu/Shinji poster they had, but Chou already has it so bah) and saw Lizzy win a Shirou Kamui poster and Chou win a Saiyuki poster... It was interesting.. more guys than I was expecting (meaning, aside from me, not a single one was I expecting). And apparently, Chan had contagious sickness that she passed onto the others that attended the showing. I didn't really see anyone being sick. Have yet to understand that joke. Most of what was at the showing, I already saw tho... goes like this...
CCD ep 1-2: Missed, I was at work. But I already saw it so I'm fine.
Gravi OAV 1-2: Missed, already I saw anyway. Only redeeming thing of it in my opinion is seeing K-san shove that gun down Shuuichi's throat and seeing him use a grenade to try and explode his face. And Ryuuichi's new song. Yeah. And Ryuuichi costumed as a speaker. Now that was hilarious. *nods*
MoB 1-2: Honestly? I TRANSLATED those eps of Mirage of Blaze. I should KNOW the content of the eps and I do. I don't need to see it again... As interesting and fun as it was to do the research of MoB (wish we could have finished the whole series, but no... we didn't because eps 7-8 [not assigned to me] were not done for editing/timing/typesetting/encoding) and as interesting the eps themselves are, I don't need to see it again. Anyhow.. missed too.
Gensomaden Saiyuki Requiem: I own the dvd. I saw it and I kinda find it blah. The Gojyo shower scene annoys me because I don't like Gojyo. I hate how the villain went and chained up Goku and **spoilers erased**. Entertaining still. I love the ending song. Just gotta find the mp3 of it. And this one, I arrived toward the remaining 30 mins. Just in time to listen to the ending song. Happiness.
Official Music Videos: We only watched the Bronze/Zetsuai - Cathexis mvs. They were interesting, but image/sound quality were a letdown. Then again, I find Kouji to be repulsively obsessed and idiotic, so I'm not too disappointed (since not too attached). Only other MV I would have wanted to see was the Weiss Kreuz one, but didn't get to since we left early (showing ppl showed it after Gestalt. Kinda was already past 10:30 so needed to leave the room)
YYH movie 2: the larger movie of the two YYH movies produced. I find this one kinda too amusing at some points... Hiei goes from having his hand bandaged to having it unbandaged towards middle of the show. There were lots of other mistakes that I can't recall but I know I pointed out before years ago. So yeah. Already saw movie 2, own the soundtrack and like Hiei's image song in it. Actually... all four mains' image songs are appreciatable for once (yes, Kuwabara included). But for American Legalized subs, they were terrible. Kuwabara was named Kuwahara; Raigo was Raiko; Yuusuke, though addressed as Urameshi by Kuwabara, was always subbed as Yusuke... but enough with it. I'm just happy with my fansubs of YYH movie 2 and that's that.
Gestalt: Yun Kouga... shudda known it was her... anyhow, strange anime, made me laugh a bit. Gestalt person that appeared had me mesmerized for a moment because of how NOT Nanjou Kouji (Zetsuai '89/Bronze)/Naoe Nobutsuna (Mirage of Blaze!!)/Julius (Angelique) Shou Hayami-san sounded. He scares me when he sounds nice and pleasant.
We found another Suikoden loving person today, so that made my day and got me happier and less tired for a while... so yeah, now I have no memories of what I wanted to say at all... that'll teach me to ramble on...... *scrolls up a moment to see if can remember.....* ...So yeah, no have nothing to say. I'll just return to LJ to add small comments.. long comments shouldn't go in LJ...... I don't think so at least. But that's just me and my own view of things.
Summer's almost done...
Monday, August 26, 2002(04:23 a.m.)
but I feel like I did more this year than I ever did in the past: went to A-kon to see my net-siblings and made new friends; got new job to pay off a few of my credit card expenses; bought a premium copy of Suikoden 3!! (though, honestly I'm an idiot because I bought the game before I bought the console. My friends all think so and I didn't convince them of the logic of buying a game before it's out of prints when I don't own the needed console yet); made a couple more purchases on ebay (all Suikoden related. Did I ever tell you I was obsessed?); translated 5 eps of Mirage of Blaze at a quick speed (for me. I never translated two eps in two weeks before); spoke to other friends that I couldn't meet at conventions they went to (I didn't have enough to go at more than one con); celebrated my birthday with a delicious fruit flavored cake (it was covered with unsugared whipped cream. ^^ The way I like it. *can't stand regular cake icing, s'too sugary*); I got sick just yesterday over food poisoning to which I'll spare you the details except for the fact that I went to the restroom a few times and got a fever from which I'm recovering(actually, it's sesame poisoning. I'm allergic to the fucking nut)... All in all, a nice summer and I think I s'more matured along the way. Good thing, I guess. Though, I kinda do like being immature sometimes. It's liberating.
...I don't think I'm ever less easily distracted than usual though. I have so many things to do and so little time to do it... and when I do have time to do this or that, there's that other thing jumping in my face and this ghost from the past wrestling with half of my brain. Let's start off by enumerating all my projects and should-do's (all enumerated in no special order, really ^^; even if I had a system, I'm sure I messed it up mid-way):
1- Getting money for Translation COOP, my passport (it's on low priority which is why I still don't have it), visiting Akarui-chan, Anime North and Akon. Possibly other cons if I visit other friends... I'm not sure I wanna do that though. I'll end up VERY broke.
2- Getting my class schedule all fixed up because I really need to know if I can do my DSL minor or not... ;_; wish I could start right away, but if it's causing conflict with my Translation classes, I'll have to push it back a year.
3- Updating Fleeting Realm and Forgiver Sign... I know what should be done with them, I found a place to buy webspace and even a domain name... I just haven't had time to sit down, reinstall Photoshop and work on it.
4- Going to buy my school books. I think I'll do that during the legal morning because I'm just so not coherent right now.
5- Do more anime translations or start doing manga translations... one or the other or maybe both. >_> Gotta see what my peps think about the idea. I still have video game translations (Does Gensou Suikogaiden ring a bell?) and drama cd translations to mess with.
6- Getting that elusive MoB Limited Edition DVD boxset. Elusive on the fact that I maxed out my card with Suikoden merchandise and just recently paid off half of those purchases. ^_^;
7- Reviewing up on my Japanese Grammar. :) I got a nice gift of a Japanese Grammar exercise book and have all the intentions of using it when I finally have the time to.
8- Reviewing all the languages I learned in the past (That means after my mother language, a certain Chinese dialect that I think comes from the Guangdong region, but I'm not sure. It's not Hokkien though one side of my lineage is Hokkien). Includes the following: French, English, Mandarin, Cantonese, Spanish, Japanese, German, Welsh, Latin.
9- Clean up my room and my computer workspace. ^_^; A few ppl saw how messy it was in the past... Now, it's gotten worse with all the accumulation of purchases and other work things. ^^;
10- SLEEPING a bit and resting from having suffered that fever... which I haven't done after I woke up this afternoon. My throat felt so parched after all the visits to the restroom.
11- GETTING A D4MN3D PS2! Those who know what I did this summer (i.e. read what I wrote earlier) understand what I mean by that comment. For you other absent-minded ppl, let's just repeat the facts: I bought a ps2 game before I even owned the console.
12- FINALLY moving my computer INTO my room. I can't work under the current conditions!!! ;_; The brat (who, btw, unfortunately reached teenagehood >_<;) listens to the TV 24/7, puts his death rock at an ear-hurtingly high volume, YELLS BACK at me when I tell him to lower the sound of his music and to close that annoying TV (It's permanently on Comedy Channel, Space, Fox, Vrak TV(Frenchy channel for brats) and YTV because he likes idiocy and Star Trek.. (I'm partial to the latter, but the former gets tiring AND repetitive since they're only reruns.)) AND decided to stay up PAST the hours I stay up at (oh, say 3-6am when I want to translate because he's been noisy during the day) for the WHOLE summer! He's gonna go back to school earlier than me and I'm glad for it, but his sleep pattern's all messed up now and I won't be having an easy time now that I work outside.
13- Get a back-up job since the store for which I'm currently working's gotten absorbed by another and will be changing names come January probably. I'll really need another job considering all I wanna do. X_x;
14- Getting up to date with all the fanfictions I was supposed to write as FS kiribans... I'm slow at writing. VERY. And it's not helping that I write only when I get the urge to write.
15- Getting a new brain. I'm really too distracted by anything I have knowledge of... It's kinda like a FULL HDD. Too much junk, need to be reformatted, slowly processing when looking for one thing.
16- Getting that new RPG idea started up. ^_^ Friend and I spoke, discussed, planned and only need to get a website and the contents typed up! When's that idea gonna launch off the ground? Mystery to you all. >)
17- Burning the last few anime CDs of a friend and getting her some Japanese treats. Pocky, candies and the likes.
18- Getting back into that time planner thing. Need to plan resting time, working time, studying time, entertainment time, free time, busy time... X_x;
19- Getting me lotsa them phonecards. @_@; Got so many ppl I need to ring and speak to. Ay! X_x;
20- Getting (b-day, must-get-you-addicted, casual, out-of-the-goodness-of-my-heart, etc) gifts for my peps and 'relatives'. That's reserved to those I think rock and are cool. ^_^ You ppl should know who you are.
21- Studying VERY well and getting straight As at school. @_@ I like translations. I can do it JUST FINE!
...So what do you think? This be substancial post/list? ^_^; I think so too and I don't think I'm done. *just now added #21 and would have added #22 if didn't stop self* And I'm glad it's not one of those quiz of 20-100 questions... I could do them, but boy, vague answers could happen often. This kinda do bring me up to date... well... almost...
22- Decide whether or not will follow in the steps of little imouto-chan Akarui-chan with all those cliques and finally do something about this lamerz layout. *kinda got fond of the simple & boring looking layout*
23- Learning new languages: Italian, Portugese, Finnish, Irish & Gaelic. Other languages I forgot? I just forgot what name they go by in English. (Je pense présentement en français et c'est terriblement chiant quand tu veux écrire en d'autres langues. >_<)
There. Now up to date. *puts a nice kekkai between list and current thoughts* Anyhow, yeah, I'm an idiot for being awake at this hour, but how would you like to go to sleep with deathrock blasting so close to your resting spot?
Little P.S. for Akarui-chan: I like your comment about my blog. Makes me feel warm and appreciated, really. ^^; But still think somewhere that I'm a failure. Happens when I'm down, you know that.
